one week...

just one more week...til this past year of grief is over and the second year of grief will begin.
just one more week...and i'm not even dreading it, yet.

michael has been very focused on death. no five year old should be so educated on death. five year olds should be naive. instead, when he plays he will say things like, "i have a cemetary in my backyard." often he will ask a question about xavier and he usually says xavier's name now, not just 'the baby' and i'm glad for that. michael also mentions that i will die before he does and he will bury me in his backyard because he would just miss me too much otherwise. so, he is beginning to understand that death is a part of life. death is a part of life that was never meant to be. i hope i am helping to give him a healthy view of death and life and grief.

andi doesn't talk so much about any of it anymore. i guess they take turns and it is michael's turn now.

so, just one more week...til andy's cousin gets married.
maybe a marriage is a good omen and the second year of grief will actually have more happiness than sadness...i'm not holding my breath.

just around the corner (06.04.2010)...

in just a few short days it will have been one year.

i haven't blogged in awhile because i've been doing pretty well and when things are going well i tend to not write [i don't need an outlet when all is well], but in reality is all well? my baby died! that is not well or good or right! about a million other things have happened in the past year as well and none of them are well or good or right...at least in my eyes. i know when i get to heaven i'll understand, but here on earth i can't...even were God to explain it to me right here & right now i don't think i could comprehend His words.

i've been blue a bit lately, but that is nothing new.

a friend came to visit yesterday and it was so good to see her. i don't get out much, so having a day off to spend with her was wonderful! she kept asking how i was doing. i answered different ways throughout the day, but i started to wonder, "how am i doing?" i'm going through the motions and doing what needs to be done, but not always present. i'm completing my tasks at work, but i can't remember anything it seems...days all run together [if i don't write it down i seem to forget it] and i feel so disorganized. my attitude is horrible a majority of the time. i'm in slump with my prayer life. i don't read the bible much. i almost feel as though i've put my life on hold until things are better, but better isn't coming or i can't see it at least. i need to start living again, find my 'new normal' and...
she also asked what she could do to help. i don't know. i don't know what i need. a better question is how can i improve my memory or how can i be present or how can i be truly happy ever again? if i knew the answers to those questions then i'd know how she could help.

it's almost summer. the weather has been beautiful and i'm so reminded of those days just after losing xavier. i'd sit outside and stare at the beauty like i was seeing it again for the first time and perhaps i was seeing it for the for the first time...the first time after being knocked down into a pit so deep i'm not sure i'll ever get out of it. this year i see the beauty, but it's not the first time and i'm encouraged that such beauty can be in a world so flawed. it's almost summer and i'm still sad...hopefully one day xavier will not equal sad for me, but that day is not today.

how sad...

don't think that i'm totally depressed & angry all the time, because i'm not. i tend to blog when i 'm sad & mad because that's when i need to get the feelings out. when i'm happy i don't feel the need to write anything down, rather i express happiness through my actions.

...how sad...

this seems to be my motto right now. life is bittersweet. every happy thing that i do with michael & andi makes me sad because i'll never get that chance with xavier. andi would have loved to have been a big sister. almost daily we have the discussion that the baby's heart died. today i asked her if she remembers the baby's name and she did. someday i'll show michael & andi pictures of xavier, but that's a long time off. andi is such a good big sister, keeping xavier's memory alive, loving her little brother that she never even met. i am so proud of her; trying to put her little mind around xavier's death. i just wish i could help her better understand.

a discussion of comments happened on facebook after i posted the the status update, "eleven months..." two days ago. i was a bit overwhelmed by everything. i spoke with andy about this yesterday morning and apparently his family feels that eleven months is too long to still be grieving the loss of a less than half term fetus! his mom thought it was too long a few months ago. apparently it doesn't make sense to them to write xavier's name and take pictures of it. apparently i am wrong and they are right! well, xavier is my child and he is a part of this family and i don't know how to live without him, so i continue to remember him. he was my baby. he IS my BABY. ten fingers, ten toes, a beautiful tiny nose, earbuds...i am so angry that somebody could say he was not even a baby, but just a half term fetus! taking pictures of xavier's name is a way to remember him and it just feels good to see his name. they don't understand and that is why i need so much support from my online friends and church family. shouldn't the people i live with be the most understanding? shouldn't the people i live with be supportive? no wonder i feel all alone when i am at home, i am all alone (of course God is always with me, but i'm talking humans here).

xavier dying was only the beginning of my world being shattered (i say shattered rather than turned upside down because when something is turned upside down it can be turned right side up again; where if something is shattered it is impossible to fix or will show where it has been glued or taped back together)...
in fact xavier dying was not the beginning. becoming pregnant with xavier was the beginning because that is when andy and i started to argue and pull away from each other. then we lost xavier and i was devastated and andy was relieved. we sold all of our baby stuff in a yardsale and i was reminded that there will be no more babies. units merged at work. we moved in with andy's parents to try and get on track financially (allow me to remind you these are the people who do not understand). michael turned five. i moved to a brand new unit at work. andi turned three. in less than one month it will have been one year since losing xavier.
and that is the short version of the past year of my life. i am not only dealing with losing xavier, but also trying to hold my marriage together, learning to live in someone else's house, figuring out this new population at work, my children are growing up, and there will be no more babies.

just when i thought i found myself i realized that i don't know who my husband is anymore. just when my life seems to be less complicated and on track, it jumps off track. my 29th year was tragic. my 30th year didn't magically get better, so i had to pick up the glue and try to start putting the shattered pieces of my life back together. counseling is so hard. marriage is so hard. focusing at work is so hard. unfortunately i don't have the luxury of taking time off to go to some deserted island and figure everything out. i have to continue functioning while i'm working through the mess of my life. i am overwhelmed.

i'm not asking for sympathy. i don't want you to feel sorry for me. i'm not different than you. i'm not trying to make myself a victim. i'm just trying to figure all of this out and that is why i blog. hopefully i can help someone else along the way. so, i cry and pray and attempt to appear normal when i feel so broken inside. i wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve at times and try to be as honest as necessary. i am doing my best at being the authentic me while trying to figure out who the authentic me is.

and now that i have blogged about it i feel a bit better. thank you for reading my ramblings. thank you for supporting, for loving, for encouraging me. i especially thank you for praying. God has very big hands as i know i am not the only one He has been carrying this past year.

butterfly mommy ~ may giveaway question...

Here's how it works, we will post a question, you can either comment back or add your name to the McLinky. This will link us up to your blog post, where you answered our question. We choose a winner each month for a special prize giveaway. Each gift is different, so keep coming back and entering! Here is the question:

How have your relationships been affected by your loss? (with God, your husband, yours and your husband's parents, your siblings, your living children, and/or friendships?)

GOD ~ my relationship with God is so much better now than it was in the months possibly even years before losing xavier. my relationship with God had grown stale and i had quit trusting God so much...i had quit feeling God so much. i was trying to do things on my own. after losing xavier i couldn't do anything on my own. i felt a peace about losing xavier that i can only explain as God comforting me. i felt God holding me up, carrying me, and comforting me. worship has also changed for me. i am not ashamed to do what i feel i should do during worship at church. i cry nearly every sunday. i take notes instead of just sitting there listening. sometimes i journal during church! praise and worship music is especially moving to me now, especially songs about glory. i'm not sure i was ever angry at God after losing xavier...God was my only refuge and comfort. my prayer life has been strengthened since losing xavier and my relationship with God refreshed.

ANDY~ my relationship with my husband has been a roller-coaster ride and i think we're wearing blindfolds because i never know what's coming next. we have struggled to come together and support each other over the past year. i'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, but we are not just looking at different pages in the same book; we are looking at different books. i've possibly cried as much over my marriage as i have over losing xavier. marriage is hard work and it isn't getting any easier, but we love each other and we are still working on our marriage.

MY PARENTS ~ i don't know that my relationship with my parents has really changed all that much since losing xavier. i still think we have a very strong relationship and i'm very glad for that.

MY IN-LAWS ~ we moved in with my in-laws five months after losing xavier and that probably has more to do with our relationship now than losing xavier. i don't have a very good relationship with my in-laws and i'll leave it at that.

MY SIBLINGS ~ not much has changed between my brother and myself, but my sister sends me cards and comments on my facebook status updates. so, i guess i'm a bit closer to my sister than i was before losing xavier.

MY CHILDREN ~ michael is five & andi is three. i love my children and feel blessed to have them. i'm not sure how i would have been able to continue without them after losing xavier. i don't want them to grow up. i hold my daughter more. michael talks about death more. he talks about us dying before him and andi. he says he would bury me in the backyard if i died because he would want me close and miss me too much. andi continues to ask if there is a baby in my belly and we have to talk about how the baby died. i appreciate my children so much more now.

FRIENDS ~ i have wonderful friends. my friends at work were very supportive in the beginning. i have some high school and college friends that were very helpful in the beginning and we still keep in touch a bit better than before losing xavier. i have some new friends that actually understand my loss because they have experienced loss. i don't think my relationships have changed so much as i have added new relationships.

If you could convey to others one thing about yourself that would help them understand what you both need to maintain your relationship what would that be?

i need to know that i am loved. i need to know that others remember xavier. i need contact whether that be through e-mail, snail mail, facebook messages, etc. i am fragile and while i may appear to be functioning normally, it takes a lot of energy to continue to appear to be functioning normally. inside i am thinking about xavier often and struggle to keep my mind on whatever it is i'm suppose to be concentrating on. at times it feels at though i'm living a double life, the life on the outside that others see and the life on the inside that only God knows.

eleven months ago - today...

eleven months ago today my life changed forever. i went to the doctor and there was no heartbeat. i made phone calls sitting in my car before leaving the doctor. i cried all day off and on. i didn't eat. i had an ultrasound in the afternoon to confirm that there was no heartbeat. i was admitted to the hospital. xavier ian was born just after 1am eleven months ago tomorrow.

i feel as though i've lost the last eleven months of my life. i have good days and i have sad days and i have blah days. on good days things are great and on sad days things couldn't possible be worse and on blah days i just breathe waiting to see if it will turn into a good or sad day.

today is a blah day.

by the way...yesterday was international babylost mother's day. maybe i'll post more about how i celebrated later. happy belated babylost mother's day to all you babylost mommies! *HUGS*