a verse for today...

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

i imagine God serenading me...how cool is that? God loves me so much that he is serenading me, delighting in me. God has saved me and rejoices that he has saved me.

wedding band...

i recently started wearing my engagement ring & wedding band again. i also wear a dragonfly ring and one more ring depending on my mood. there were a few weeks i was only wearing my wedding band. i didn't take it off ever.

there were a few weeks that i wore my rings until bedtime at work and then took them off, not putting them back on til i returned to work the next day.

anyway, back to the point of this entry. i started meeting with an accountability partner through my church (leesburg grace brethren) for a purity covenant that i signed over the summer. i realized that i was so angry with my husband for a time that i quit wearing my rings altogether. i started wearing the wedding band again and i didn't take it off for weeks. just recently i started wearing all my rings again. it's amazing what a small piece of metal with a few gemstones signifies in my mind, maybe in all our minds. when i felt like i was doing something right and i was encouraging people it became important to me to wear my wedding rings all the time again.

my marriage is definitely difficult right now, but i'm not willing to give up. i'm hopeful and i believe that God is working in our marriage or at least in me :) my accountability partner told me that she is encouraged by me not giving up on my marriage through all the trials we've been through the past three years. anyone else want to share about marriage troubles after a loss?

naked...

so, here's my question to angie (the creator of still life 365)...

Michelle: my question is do you ever deal with feelings that you just can't take care of your living children because you are trying to take care of your dead child? i am really struggling with this right now as i am the only one who seems to remember xavier. i feel like i have to mother xavier because he is dead and there are others that can 'mother' my living children for me and it breaks my heart that i struggle with this.

...and here is angie's answer: Oh, Michelle, your question hit me in the gut. Yes, absolutely. Particularly in the beginning. I haven't felt that way in a long time, come to think of it. Sometimes I feel like I spin my wheels in my house trying to integrate Lucy, or I should say, I feel like I used to spin my wheels. I don't know when it happened, somewhere between 18 months and two years where Lucy's death and my mothering her became integrated into our life. It felt natural and like I wasn't two mothers torn between two ways of being--grieving and mother, or mothering Lucy and mothering everyone else. Rather, I felt like one mother now. But I so frequently get frustrated that I seem to be the keeper of grief in our home. The one to establish rituals. The one to remember Lucia. I guess I mean that my husband does not feel the same impulse to remember and honor her. I asked him once why and he said, "Because you do that for us, and I appreciate it."

if you've never checked out her blog, you really should. i was reading something this week about writing makes us feel naked. i think it's true. if you are writing from your heart then there is definitely a sense of nakedness that may make you uncomfortable or others uncomfortable. i think counseling makes me feel naked too. i always try to wear a jacket or something long-sleeved so i can pull my hands inside. so, the more honest you are - the more naked you are! lol

anger...

apparently i'm angry. my therapist told me that i need to get angry because it's in there, but it's hiding. i don't get angry very often and when i do it's rather short lived. anyway, i have an assignment this week to do some free writing on my anger and i'm not doing so well with it. i love the book i was suppose to skim through before doing the free writing (writing down the bones by natalie goldberg), in fact i've read the whole thing rather than just skimming it. now, i just need to stop putting it off and do the free writing. ugh!

counseling...

i've been working on some stuff in counseling...hard stuff. i feel broken, but my counselor assures me i am 'normal' if there is such a thing as normal. today in counseling, actually the last few times we've been talking about what i really want out of life and what i really want out of life is happiness. i have peace already, but i want happiness. i used to say, "i want to be a _____ when i grow up." now i just say, "i want to be happy when i grow up." and really that's what i want for my kids too. i want them to be happy. sometimes i look at miss andi after we've had a really hard day and she's been in trouble a lot and she's still smiling. i think how can she smile after all that's happened today? is she really happy? i hope she is. i hope she is truly happy and it continues throughout her life. i also hope my children have peace.

i've also been working on being more assertive and actually taking time for myself throughout the day. i've been working on taking time to relax and recharge. i've been working on changing me, so that i can be a better person. i've got a long way to go...but i'm getting there. i know that there are always ways we can grow and become better throughout our entire lives, but right now it feels good to be able to focus on me for one hour a week and then work on the assignments i've been given to better myself.

strength...

lately a lot of people have told me that i am one of the strongest people they know. i must be hiding my shattered heart well to the rest of the world. this last week took a toll on me. i had to go into the bathroom at work to cry on several occasions. i don't think anybody noticed. i don't think of myself as a strong person...i just do what i have to in order to survive. sometimes i don't even feel like i'm truly living, just surviving. i've felt God holding me up again over the past week. i don't know where i would be without my faith.

i've been going to counseling and i've been surviving each week til my next session. counseling is amazing...my counselor is amazing. i can say anything i want and i'm not judged (at least not outwardly), i'm not told i did something wrong, i'm not told to do things differently. my counselor assures me that i'm normal (something i quit believing years ago) and i believe that he believes i'm normal.

so, here it is a new week and i'm looking very forward to thursday when i have counseling again. i love my husband, but i can't talk about work with him. i love my family, but i hide the tears from them. i love my job, but presently it is stressful. i love counseling and for one hour on thursday i can let it all out and feel safe doing it! i don't have to hide the tears. i can shout if i want. i can be raw and it'll be okay. i am looking forward to thursday because it helps me to stay strong the rest of the week.

don't get me wrong...counseling is not church, but counseling in addition to church makes me a much better person right now. i go to church and there are people who i totally open up to and let it all out, including my pastor. i go to church and learn about how God is working in my life now. i go to church and feel refreshed for my week. i need church because i need to feel connected to others. i need counseling because i need a safe place to explode!

so, if i do appear to be strong it's only because God has placed an amazing church family and an amazing counselor, along with amazing friends in my life for this time. if i am strong it is not my strength you see, but rather God who is holding me in the palm of his hand carrying me through these tough days.

not a fan of death...

i'm not a fan of death...duh! i suppose it would be strange to post that i am a fan of death, but today in particular i'm not a fan of death.

my sister texted me this afternoon to tell me that our high school youth group leader died of cancer early this morning. so, i checked my e-mail and sure enough there it was in black and white.

she fought a long hard battle with cancer and had many victories over the years. i'm not sure i would say that the cancer won even now. i don't want to think of her as a defeated person. i would rather think that she finally let go and let God take her up to heaven to praise Him in perfection. let go and let God is something i definitely saw time and again in her life. she allowed God to work through her and transformed the lives of many youth because of it.

i had lost touch with her over the years, only sending a christmas card or two to her since high school. i am deeply saddened and grieving all over again for the loss of such a wonderful lady. i'm also a bit angry...God allowed her to die! God allowed my baby to die! she could be meeting my son right now! she could be holding him! she could be telling him stories about me that i don't want my children to know! lol i also know that she has been reunited with her son. i'm sure the angels are rejoicing to welcome such a Godly example of a woman into heaven today.

i've missed her over the years. she played a huge part in who i am today and i'm going to miss her til i get to heaven.

today i'm REALLY not a fan of death.

father's day...

two years ago today we held a memorial service to say good-bye to xavier ian.
today i remember two years ago, but i don't think anyone else does. i'm beginning to think that each year gets harder rather than easier. i've cried a lot this month. i've felt very alone this month. i'm definitely having a hard time functioning this month. i'm not so naive as to believe that it will suddenly get better when this month is over because i know it won't. in real life things don't magically get better and there are no happily ever afters. in real life there is just struggling and more struggling day after day after day, etc.
two years ago today there was a table set up with pictures and people remembered xavier with me. today i remember him alone.

giveaway winner...

YOU ALL WIN!
tiffany, mattie, & holly

since only three of you entered and three is my favorite number i'm going to do a drawing for each of you. i have sent e-mail to each of you...so i'll be waiting to hear back from you! congratulations.

remembering xavier ian swords today...june 4, 2009! never forgotten.

100th post giveaway...epic fail!

so you can read all about my 100th post giveaway here. it was an epic fail! i don't know if there was a problem with blogger or if nobody reads 'my world' anymore, but i'm willing to try one more time...so if you would like me to do a personalized piece of artwork for you using words please comment after this post. i will give you until the end of may to post a comment and i will announce the winner on or shortly before xavier's angelversary...june 4. same rules apply for entering.

so, to enter you may leave a comment. you may enter up to 3 times. each comment is a separate entry:
1. tell me you follow my blog,
2. tell about this giveaway on your blog or facebook,
3. tell me what you would envision in a personal piece of artwork about your child from me.