God is good...

i have an amazing pastor or rather i should say that God works through him in amazing ways. over the past year he has delivered quite a few sermons that spoke directly to me. i have been e-mailing my pastor (poor guy, he learns things about me in e-mails that he would probably rather not know) and occasionally he e-mails back. he usually prays and sometimes includes bible verses when he returns my e-mails...i wanted to share some of them with you all because they have really been comforting to me. i hope you can find comfort in them too.

Romans 8 (i'll highlight bits and pieces)
~ NASB
{15-17} For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
{18} For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
{24-25} For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for waht he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
{26-27} In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, becasuse He intercedes for the saints accoring to the will of God.
{28} And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
{38-39} For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separeate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Corinthians 10:5-6
~ NASB
We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.

Ephesians 3:14-19
~ NASB
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you , according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

anyway, it's officially been one year since xavier was born too soon.
i am alive.
i will survive.
it said so in a book.
i'll just continue to put one foot in front of the other and when i don't have the strength to continue on God will carry me...He is an amazing Father! i have felt His peace and comfort and love so many days over the past year. i have grown closer to Him through losing xavier...how sad [that i had to lose a child to grow closer to God].

michael remembers...

michael remembers xavier...

michael does workbook pages everyday (to get ready for kindergarten) and he cut and glued these hearts one day, then gave it to me for 'my baby in heaven,' i said, "you mean xavier." he said, "yes, that's the one."

the storm...

...the calm before the storm...
a friend from college came to visit the other day. i haven't seen her in a year and a half. it was so good to see her again and forget my problems, if only for a moment, but now it's back to reality.

...the storm...
i follow a lot of blogs. i'm always in awe of women who can write about what they are learning; who can post bible verses; who seem to have so much hope. i wonder if i really am depressed and need medication. i wonder if things would be different were we able to get pregnant again.

i wonder if...

i am so thankful for the blogs i follow that mention God and prayer and unselfishly speak of others who are hurting. i need to see that because it gives me hope that one day i will be more like i was before losing xavier.

i discovered tonight at work that the way i feel and the way i portray myself are completely different. people really don't see my pain. i can hide when i want to. i can appear to function. i'm like an alcoholic, only my addiction is grief. i've learned how to pretend that everything is okay on the outside while i'm gasping for breath on the inside. this is sixteen all over again!

i am bitter. i am angry. i am lost. this is not where i imagined my life would be right now. this is not where i want my life to be right now.

life isn't fair.
lIfe Isn't faIr.
lIfE Isn't fAIr!
lIFE Isn't FAIr!
LIFE ISN'T FAIR!

i'm really struggling right now. i'm stuggling with my grief. i'm struggling with being a good mom. i'm struggling with my relationship with God. i'm struggling with my marriage. i'm struggling with my living situation. i'm struggling to find hope & faith because i'm feeling so lost.

the calm before the storm...

butterfly mommies june giveaway...

With your other children, or with your rainbow babies, (though we love them deeply, though we have developed this life-gripping fear of things happening to them), have any of you felt a degree of disconnect with them after your loss? Have you noticed yourself holding back just a bit on your heart connections with them or even other's that you love?

i definitely feel a disconnect. in the beginning i was so sad i just couldn't connect and now i don't know...maybe because i went so long holding back it's hard to really connect. i have great moments, but it's not like it was before xavier. my biggest disconnect is with my husband, but i think that has a lot to do with how we each felt about the pregnancy, then the loss. the past year has been incredibly difficult and there have been a lot of changes in my life and there is just so much to deal with that i've shut down, withdrawn, and ignored to escape reality. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all. i'm still trying to figure out what this 'new normal' looks like. i'm still trying to find myself in all of this and sometimes it's very frustrating that for every step forward i'm taking three steps back. so, in answer to the original questions...yes i feel a disconnect and yes i hold back and sometimes i feel like i'm losing all the most important things to me, but i am not the same person i used to be...i can never be that naive person again and i must learn how to go on the way i am now and find myself again (this 'new' me).

one week...

just one more week...til this past year of grief is over and the second year of grief will begin.
just one more week...and i'm not even dreading it, yet.

michael has been very focused on death. no five year old should be so educated on death. five year olds should be naive. instead, when he plays he will say things like, "i have a cemetary in my backyard." often he will ask a question about xavier and he usually says xavier's name now, not just 'the baby' and i'm glad for that. michael also mentions that i will die before he does and he will bury me in his backyard because he would just miss me too much otherwise. so, he is beginning to understand that death is a part of life. death is a part of life that was never meant to be. i hope i am helping to give him a healthy view of death and life and grief.

andi doesn't talk so much about any of it anymore. i guess they take turns and it is michael's turn now.

so, just one more week...til andy's cousin gets married.
maybe a marriage is a good omen and the second year of grief will actually have more happiness than sadness...i'm not holding my breath.

just around the corner (06.04.2010)...

in just a few short days it will have been one year.

i haven't blogged in awhile because i've been doing pretty well and when things are going well i tend to not write [i don't need an outlet when all is well], but in reality is all well? my baby died! that is not well or good or right! about a million other things have happened in the past year as well and none of them are well or good or right...at least in my eyes. i know when i get to heaven i'll understand, but here on earth i can't...even were God to explain it to me right here & right now i don't think i could comprehend His words.

i've been blue a bit lately, but that is nothing new.

a friend came to visit yesterday and it was so good to see her. i don't get out much, so having a day off to spend with her was wonderful! she kept asking how i was doing. i answered different ways throughout the day, but i started to wonder, "how am i doing?" i'm going through the motions and doing what needs to be done, but not always present. i'm completing my tasks at work, but i can't remember anything it seems...days all run together [if i don't write it down i seem to forget it] and i feel so disorganized. my attitude is horrible a majority of the time. i'm in slump with my prayer life. i don't read the bible much. i almost feel as though i've put my life on hold until things are better, but better isn't coming or i can't see it at least. i need to start living again, find my 'new normal' and...
she also asked what she could do to help. i don't know. i don't know what i need. a better question is how can i improve my memory or how can i be present or how can i be truly happy ever again? if i knew the answers to those questions then i'd know how she could help.

it's almost summer. the weather has been beautiful and i'm so reminded of those days just after losing xavier. i'd sit outside and stare at the beauty like i was seeing it again for the first time and perhaps i was seeing it for the for the first time...the first time after being knocked down into a pit so deep i'm not sure i'll ever get out of it. this year i see the beauty, but it's not the first time and i'm encouraged that such beauty can be in a world so flawed. it's almost summer and i'm still sad...hopefully one day xavier will not equal sad for me, but that day is not today.

how sad...

don't think that i'm totally depressed & angry all the time, because i'm not. i tend to blog when i 'm sad & mad because that's when i need to get the feelings out. when i'm happy i don't feel the need to write anything down, rather i express happiness through my actions.

...how sad...

this seems to be my motto right now. life is bittersweet. every happy thing that i do with michael & andi makes me sad because i'll never get that chance with xavier. andi would have loved to have been a big sister. almost daily we have the discussion that the baby's heart died. today i asked her if she remembers the baby's name and she did. someday i'll show michael & andi pictures of xavier, but that's a long time off. andi is such a good big sister, keeping xavier's memory alive, loving her little brother that she never even met. i am so proud of her; trying to put her little mind around xavier's death. i just wish i could help her better understand.

a discussion of comments happened on facebook after i posted the the status update, "eleven months..." two days ago. i was a bit overwhelmed by everything. i spoke with andy about this yesterday morning and apparently his family feels that eleven months is too long to still be grieving the loss of a less than half term fetus! his mom thought it was too long a few months ago. apparently it doesn't make sense to them to write xavier's name and take pictures of it. apparently i am wrong and they are right! well, xavier is my child and he is a part of this family and i don't know how to live without him, so i continue to remember him. he was my baby. he IS my BABY. ten fingers, ten toes, a beautiful tiny nose, earbuds...i am so angry that somebody could say he was not even a baby, but just a half term fetus! taking pictures of xavier's name is a way to remember him and it just feels good to see his name. they don't understand and that is why i need so much support from my online friends and church family. shouldn't the people i live with be the most understanding? shouldn't the people i live with be supportive? no wonder i feel all alone when i am at home, i am all alone (of course God is always with me, but i'm talking humans here).

xavier dying was only the beginning of my world being shattered (i say shattered rather than turned upside down because when something is turned upside down it can be turned right side up again; where if something is shattered it is impossible to fix or will show where it has been glued or taped back together)...
in fact xavier dying was not the beginning. becoming pregnant with xavier was the beginning because that is when andy and i started to argue and pull away from each other. then we lost xavier and i was devastated and andy was relieved. we sold all of our baby stuff in a yardsale and i was reminded that there will be no more babies. units merged at work. we moved in with andy's parents to try and get on track financially (allow me to remind you these are the people who do not understand). michael turned five. i moved to a brand new unit at work. andi turned three. in less than one month it will have been one year since losing xavier.
and that is the short version of the past year of my life. i am not only dealing with losing xavier, but also trying to hold my marriage together, learning to live in someone else's house, figuring out this new population at work, my children are growing up, and there will be no more babies.

just when i thought i found myself i realized that i don't know who my husband is anymore. just when my life seems to be less complicated and on track, it jumps off track. my 29th year was tragic. my 30th year didn't magically get better, so i had to pick up the glue and try to start putting the shattered pieces of my life back together. counseling is so hard. marriage is so hard. focusing at work is so hard. unfortunately i don't have the luxury of taking time off to go to some deserted island and figure everything out. i have to continue functioning while i'm working through the mess of my life. i am overwhelmed.

i'm not asking for sympathy. i don't want you to feel sorry for me. i'm not different than you. i'm not trying to make myself a victim. i'm just trying to figure all of this out and that is why i blog. hopefully i can help someone else along the way. so, i cry and pray and attempt to appear normal when i feel so broken inside. i wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve at times and try to be as honest as necessary. i am doing my best at being the authentic me while trying to figure out who the authentic me is.

and now that i have blogged about it i feel a bit better. thank you for reading my ramblings. thank you for supporting, for loving, for encouraging me. i especially thank you for praying. God has very big hands as i know i am not the only one He has been carrying this past year.

butterfly mommy ~ may giveaway question...

Here's how it works, we will post a question, you can either comment back or add your name to the McLinky. This will link us up to your blog post, where you answered our question. We choose a winner each month for a special prize giveaway. Each gift is different, so keep coming back and entering! Here is the question:

How have your relationships been affected by your loss? (with God, your husband, yours and your husband's parents, your siblings, your living children, and/or friendships?)

GOD ~ my relationship with God is so much better now than it was in the months possibly even years before losing xavier. my relationship with God had grown stale and i had quit trusting God so much...i had quit feeling God so much. i was trying to do things on my own. after losing xavier i couldn't do anything on my own. i felt a peace about losing xavier that i can only explain as God comforting me. i felt God holding me up, carrying me, and comforting me. worship has also changed for me. i am not ashamed to do what i feel i should do during worship at church. i cry nearly every sunday. i take notes instead of just sitting there listening. sometimes i journal during church! praise and worship music is especially moving to me now, especially songs about glory. i'm not sure i was ever angry at God after losing xavier...God was my only refuge and comfort. my prayer life has been strengthened since losing xavier and my relationship with God refreshed.

ANDY~ my relationship with my husband has been a roller-coaster ride and i think we're wearing blindfolds because i never know what's coming next. we have struggled to come together and support each other over the past year. i'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, but we are not just looking at different pages in the same book; we are looking at different books. i've possibly cried as much over my marriage as i have over losing xavier. marriage is hard work and it isn't getting any easier, but we love each other and we are still working on our marriage.

MY PARENTS ~ i don't know that my relationship with my parents has really changed all that much since losing xavier. i still think we have a very strong relationship and i'm very glad for that.

MY IN-LAWS ~ we moved in with my in-laws five months after losing xavier and that probably has more to do with our relationship now than losing xavier. i don't have a very good relationship with my in-laws and i'll leave it at that.

MY SIBLINGS ~ not much has changed between my brother and myself, but my sister sends me cards and comments on my facebook status updates. so, i guess i'm a bit closer to my sister than i was before losing xavier.

MY CHILDREN ~ michael is five & andi is three. i love my children and feel blessed to have them. i'm not sure how i would have been able to continue without them after losing xavier. i don't want them to grow up. i hold my daughter more. michael talks about death more. he talks about us dying before him and andi. he says he would bury me in the backyard if i died because he would want me close and miss me too much. andi continues to ask if there is a baby in my belly and we have to talk about how the baby died. i appreciate my children so much more now.

FRIENDS ~ i have wonderful friends. my friends at work were very supportive in the beginning. i have some high school and college friends that were very helpful in the beginning and we still keep in touch a bit better than before losing xavier. i have some new friends that actually understand my loss because they have experienced loss. i don't think my relationships have changed so much as i have added new relationships.

If you could convey to others one thing about yourself that would help them understand what you both need to maintain your relationship what would that be?

i need to know that i am loved. i need to know that others remember xavier. i need contact whether that be through e-mail, snail mail, facebook messages, etc. i am fragile and while i may appear to be functioning normally, it takes a lot of energy to continue to appear to be functioning normally. inside i am thinking about xavier often and struggle to keep my mind on whatever it is i'm suppose to be concentrating on. at times it feels at though i'm living a double life, the life on the outside that others see and the life on the inside that only God knows.

eleven months ago - today...

eleven months ago today my life changed forever. i went to the doctor and there was no heartbeat. i made phone calls sitting in my car before leaving the doctor. i cried all day off and on. i didn't eat. i had an ultrasound in the afternoon to confirm that there was no heartbeat. i was admitted to the hospital. xavier ian was born just after 1am eleven months ago tomorrow.

i feel as though i've lost the last eleven months of my life. i have good days and i have sad days and i have blah days. on good days things are great and on sad days things couldn't possible be worse and on blah days i just breathe waiting to see if it will turn into a good or sad day.

today is a blah day.

by the way...yesterday was international babylost mother's day. maybe i'll post more about how i celebrated later. happy belated babylost mother's day to all you babylost mommies! *HUGS*