100th post giveaway...

when i started blogging my grief was raw. i couldn't even see that there was light on the other side of this valley, the mountains were too tall to even begin climbing and rain poured so hard that i could barely see my hand in front of my face. i felt like i was drowning. i was completely reliant on God in those early days because there were days that i literally knew i was not walking by my own strength, but rather being carried in my creators hands. when i saw beauty it was in the tiniest things, like a flower petal or a blade of green grass. there was no big picture, just a bunch of jumbled little pieces that didn't make any sense.

today, my 100th post, i continue to grieve - but xavier has become a part of who i am. everything i do is somehow influenced by my experience with losing a baby. i'm still walking through the valley, but God has given me enough strength that i need only hold his hand now and my legs can follow Him. the pouring rain is more like a constant drizzle and every now and again i even spot a rainbow, a big picture of joy! i still don't understand why xavier died, but i'm learning to accept that i will not know this side of heaven.

many people do a giveaway for special posts...like the 100th! i'd like to do a giveaway, though i have very limited funds. so, i'm offering my artwork which may not seem like much but it comes from my heart. here are examples of my artwork example 1, example 2, example 3, example 4, example 5. my hope is that you can send me words that mean something to you or just tell me about yourself and your beautiful baby gone too soon and i can somehow figure out something that will mean something to you. i'm not sure what this will look like or how big yet, but i want to do something!

so, to enter you may leave a comment. you may enter up to 3 times. each comment is a separate entry:
1. tell me you follow my blog,
2. tell about this giveaway on your blog or facebook,
3. tell me what you would envision in a personal piece of artwork about your child from me.

alright, that's it! comment away and tell your friends. i will choose a winner in one week and announce it saturday april 30th here!

...nothing to say...

i've not had much to say lately. i've been faithfully reading blogs, not so much commenting on them, but i've neglected updating my blog much. i guess i just feel that whatever i have to say has already been said or felt or existed for so long that there is no point telling you.

i am definitely in a different place now than i was two years ago or two weeks ago for that matter. i am learning how to cope better everyday and very frustrated that i still have those 'can't get myself out of bed for the life of me' days every now and again. but, i am surviving and taking care of my family as best i can and remembering xavier in my own way everyday.

i'm wondering if i should make this blog more about my family, my living children, and my everyday struggles. i wanted it to be a special place to keep my thoughts about xavier, but as i see that those thoughts really never change i don't want to sound like a record on repeat...so, maybe it's time for a little bit of a change-up. part of keeping xavier's memory alive is involving him in the lives of my children, right?

well, you can let me know what you think if you want. i have lots of thoughts that i haven't shared because they don't directly relate to xavier or loss or whatever, but maybe this blog could be more than a blog about loss...maybe this blog could be a beginning of something great!

God's not finished with me yet and i think that's where i'll leave it at for now...

my husband reads this blog and asked me if i had updated it recently...so i thought i should.

i don't get around to blogging so much, as of late. i've been doing more personal journaling and bible study. i've been much more private lately. i guess there is something about writing the same stuff over and over again that is really depressing to me (and possibly those of you who read this blog).

so, life continues on...

i was doing well for awhile. but lately i look back over the past two years and i'm saddened. maybe i should be looking at everything i have learned and be thankful and joyful and at peace, but i'm not. i'm just sad and discontent. i'm not joyful. at times i struggle to even function.

march 2009 ~ we find out we are pregnant and there are many mixed emotions

april 12, 2009 ~ easter & andi's 2nd birthday...xavier is still alive!

end of may (just a week before the stillbirth) 2009 ~

june 3, 2009 ~ i find out (all alone) there is no heartbeat

june 4, 2009 ~ xavier ian swords (stillborn)

in a way time stopped that day and never started again for me. in a way i got stuck. i wanted everything to stop moving and continuing on because my world stopped, but that's not how it works. so, i've done the best i can to continue on and some days i do fairly well...other days, not so much. lately it's been, not so much. it seems that i cannot be comforted; i am not joyful; i am bitter and angry and jealous. i continue to mourn for the life i dreamed that will never come true. i continue to mourn the loss of xavier.

in just over a month it will have been two years since losing xavier! two years! i don't know where the time has gone. i was thinking the other day that if xavier had lived i'd be wanting another baby about now...instead i'm wanting xavier and another baby still, but there will be no more babies for me! how sad.

i'm not doing so well these days. i sleep a lot. i eat too much. i don't talk enough. my life seems to be crumbling all around me, even work is not the safe haven it once was. i'm in a bit of a slump and i just don't know how to pull myself out of it. i'm hoping spring break will help to brighten my spirits a little. we'll see.

on the bright side i was reading back through some messages on facebook and realized how much better i am now than i was then. today may seem horrible, but when i look back at a year ago i see how much better today is. thank you for following my blog and supporting me. i'll try to be a better blogger.

six word memoir...

i've been reading 'our daily bread' for devotions. on saturday, january 29, 2011 the title of the devotion was 'six words from solomon'

ecclesiastes 12:13 (NIV) fear God and keep his commandments


if i were to write a six word memoir i would say
nomad, on this journey through grief

i'm sure this will change over time, but this is where i'm at right now.
what would your six word memoir be?

things are looking up...

i will admit that the beginning of the year was a bit rocky. this past week i finally feel like i'm finding my groove. i've actually been doing really well. whenever i do well i always seem to keep my guard up just waiting for the downfall...so far, so good. even when something not so great happens i'm dealing with it well. i must give God the glory for this. i think it is because i've been going to bibilical counseling and reading my Bible everyday...doing devotions daily. my prayer life is still not where it should be, but i'm definitely feeling a lot more like my 'old' self or perhaps i'm finding my 'new' self.

2011 here we come...

so, it all began with a phone call from my husband this morning that ended in an argument. then one child is kicking and screaming because i will not undress her and put her on the potty. the other child is trying to discipline me for not 'helping' the little one. this is not how i wanted 2010 to end! please let 2011 begin on a quieter note.

merry christmas...

so 2010 is nearly over. yesterday we had christmas with andy's side and i got to hold a four month old baby boy for an extended period of time. i forgot what a baby feels like, smells like, makes me feel! i am in such a different place this year than i was last year. i have grown so much and changed (hopefully for the better). i still feel overwhelmed (a lot), but i am beginning to live again. i am beginning to do whatever it is i need to do for myself because if i neglect myself then i am no good to anybody!

so, on this christmas day i am reminded that God paid the ultimate price for my sins. i can't even imagine sending my only child to die, to face all the pain of the world, to be tortured - just so some ungrateful creature i created could live eternally with me?! so, i know that God understands how it feels to lose a child to death, but He also realizes what it feels like to be reunited with that child for an eternity and that is what i must focus on...eternity. wow! that is why i struggle so much on this grief journey - because i am only human and it is hard to look toward eternity when i'm stuck in the here & now on earth. the more i try to be Godly the more satan attacks and puts up roadblocks and the more i have to rely on God to get me through to the other side.

over the past year i have struggled with depression, my living situation, my spouse, my children, and my job. i'm guessing that if i spoke to 100 other people all of them would have struggled with some of those same things at some point in time over the past year. my situation; my struggles are not unique - people have been dealing with similar situations since the beginning of time and that is how i know God understands what i am going through. i am clearly in a better place today (emotionally and spiritually) than i was a year ago. i'm hoping that this coming year holds many blessings for me and even more growth. i am on a journey i never imagined i would be on, but i am headed exactly where i always thought i would be - toward a creative, meaningful life here on earth and an eternity in heaven with my family & friends!

finally feeling a bit of joy...

so, a month and a half after starting meds i'm feeling quite a bit better. i'm even able to be joyful about some things. as christmas draws near i'm choosing to be happy. i'm going to biblical counseling which has also helped immensely with my mood. my relationship with God is better too.

i'm not blogging as much. i'm still reading blogs, but i am finding that i'm just not needing as much online support these days. it's still nice to have all of my online blm friends on facebook and be able to cry with each other or laugh with each other or pray for each other, but i just wanted to let anyone who has been reading my blog know that my posts are going to be more sporadic for awhile until my life becomes a little less busy. while i'm not feeling nearly as overwhelmed lately i am feeling like my life is very full of things...some that help me feel better, some that teach me lessons, and some that seem to just be roadblocks to where i want to be.

i'm allowing myself to be creative. i'm getting to know myself again. i'm starting to live in this 'new normal' and i think things are going to be okay. in fact, i know things are going to be alright because i've got some great support online, in real life, and of course God will still carry me when i don't have the strength to stand. things are looking up just in time for christmas.

joyful...

well, i didn't finish all my november thanksgiving posts. november is a really hard month for me and i kind of just gave out in the middle. i'm back in the blogging world now though and i think i would like to post things that bring me joy in december...so, today naps bring me joy! i especially like it when my daughter naps with me because she tucks her feet under me to keep them warm and shares my pillow. we'll see how far i make it this month, but i don't plan on posting everyday like last month.

thankful: days twelve, thirteen, fourteen, & fifteen...

...so i'm really not very good at blogging everyday! lol

day twelve: today i am thankful for the kids i work with & my coworkers. the work i do is incredibly rewarding! i love forming relationships with the kids and being able to share my faith with them and hearing about their own faith! i'm also so thankful for my co-workers who are just as willing to help the kids as i am and share their faith!

day thirteen: today i am thankful for the weekend. i can so use a break and i am really looking forward to this weekend to relax!

day fourteen: today i am thankful for my pastor. sometimes sermons just really hit home and feel like they were written just for you! today was one of those days. so glad that God works through my pastor to speak to me!

day fifteen: today i am thankful for parents sharing hope, the support group i attend for bereaved parents who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss. i am so looking forward to our meeting tonight!